


In which Kakashi expresses himself

by thinknicht



Series: More Than Enemies Verse [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Also Ibiki being trolled, Gen, Iruka vs Kakashi, The Hyuga have a secret love child, Who will come out on top, read to find out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24421396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinknicht/pseuds/thinknicht
Summary: What it says on the tin. Aka everyone gets a headache.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Ibiki Morino, Hatake Kakashi & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Kakashi Hatake/Trolling Everyone
Series: More Than Enemies Verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763581
Comments: 16
Kudos: 128





	In which Kakashi expresses himself

**Author's Note:**

> This used to belong to my fic "More Than Enemies" but can be read independently without issue.

Kakashi was ambling down the street when someone decided to ruin his morning:

“Hey, Kakashi-sensei!”

A quick side glance revealed the speaker as that one academy sensei whom Naruto was so fond of. The one person who seemed to have realized that Kakashi wasn’t even halfway decent at the whole teaching thing and had said as much to the hokage and all of his jonin colleagues… yep, that one.

Naturally, Kakashi pretended not to have heard him. Unfortunately, the man was almost as persistent as Naruto and very peskily continued to call out his name. Kakashi insistently continued to mind his own business. It was clear that neither of them were going to cave, and so, things came to a head when the teacher finally lost his patience and daringly inserted himself into Kakashi’s personal space bubble.

“Kakashi-sensei!” the bothersome man tried again, falling into step with him.

Kakashi sighed and peered at him over his book. “Did you want something… ah… Daichi?”

The man’s left eyebrow was twitching. “That’s not even close! It’s Iruka!” ‘It’s-Iruka’ took a steadying breath. “And yes.”

Kakashi inspected his nails. “Hm. Terribly sorry, but there’s just this manicure appointment I have to get to, so–“

“Nice, then we can talk.” Iruka said, smiling at him cheerfully.

Kakashi wondered whether it was too late to make a run for it. Just in case, he began searching for viable escape routes.

Iruka, once again undeterred by Kakashi’s rudeness, bulldozed on. “So, I heard Naruto didn’t pass the first stage of the exam… Hm, I wonder who had predicted exactly _that_ would happen.”

There seemed to be no easy escape routes, Kakashi concluded forlornly – and puffing away might escalate things. He was pulled out of his contemplative pondering by Iruka’s expectant stare.

“Hm… Sorry. Did you say something?”

Iruka sucked in a calming breath and gave Kakashi a smile that could cut diamonds. “I said: Naruto didn’t pass the first stage of the exam… just like I told you he wouldn’t, because he wasn’t ready. Kakashi-sensei.”

Oh, so he was good at the passive-aggressive politeness thing. Kakashi scratched his head. Well, unfortunately for the man, outside of missions, Kakashi almost always defaulted to plain rude. “Maa. Yes, consider it rubbed in. Hm. Though my caring sensei senses can’t help but notice…” Kakashi paused to relish in the man’s twitching eyebrows, “has it slipped your mind that I have three of your students on my team? Even if Naruto talks for the four of us. Yet you only seem to care about the one.” Boom. A fast one? Delivered.

As expected, Iruka was flustered by Kakashi’s frontal attack and scratched his neck in embarrassment. “Ah, of course. I care about all three of them – I do! But I guess I’m just… I’m more concerned about Naruto, is all.” He suddenly seemed to get reacquainted with his backbone, brown eyes hardening. “After all, someone _has_ to be.” He looked at Kakashi significantly.

“Mmm.”

“So? Chunin exams,” Iruka forged on. “What happened?”

“Morino Ibiki happened.”

“I guess that’s unlucky,” the chunin conceded. “But. I still stand by what I said: they weren’t ready!”

“Maa, Daiki. No need to be loud.”

“It’s Iruka!” snapped the teacher, rolling his eyes so hard that Kakashi feared for their continued well-being. “But I’m not here just to rub in that I was right.”

“Color me surprised.”

Iruka’s eyebrow twitched tellingly. “Kakashi-sensei, you’re worse than some of my six-year-olds.”

“Hmm,” said Kakashi with a smile. “I’ve been called hip and youthful on occasion.”

Iruka sighed, clearly fed up. “Look, Kakashi-sensei, I’m not trying to pry, but shouldn’t you be with your team right now? I mean, things must be tense after yesterday. Don’t you think you should be doing some damage control?”

To Iruka’s horror upon looking back at the infuriating man, he found that Kakashi was, yet again, immersed in his book.

“Kakashi-sensei!”

“Ma, ma. Don’t worry, Denki. I have a plan.”

“It’s – oh, never mind. Whatever it is, that plan had better be good.”

“Ah, of course. After all, I’ve been thinking it through for the past five hours.”

Iruka sighed, somewhat placated. Kakashi Hatake had been lauded a genius due to his sharp intellect and cunning, so Iruka figured it’d be alright if he’d really spent five outs thinking about his team. Who knew? Maybe the man was secretly a worrywart?

“May I ask what it is?” Iruka asked sheepishly. “Your plan, I mean.”

“Go ahead.”

Iruka waited awkwardly. He wasn’t sure about the worrywart part, but Kakashi Hatake was definitely a pain in the neck. “Must we really? Alright, fine. What is your grand plan, oh wise one?”

Kakashi chuckled. “Maa… it’s simple.” He glanced at his imaginary watch. “My master plan… is being five ours late.”

“What?”

“Give or take. Might as well make it seven, since it’s the lucky number.”

“ _WHAT?!_ ”

“Shhh, you’re disturbing the pedestrians, Daichi.”

_Worrywart, my foot!_

Iruka was staring brokenly at Kakashi, his mouth opening and closing at irregular intervals. “But… why?” he asked faintly.

“Hm? It encourages team bonding.”

“It encourages your genin to hate you!”

“Ah, ah, but that’s a good thing! It gives them some common ground!”

“Kakashi-sensei, you can’t be serious–! Hey, come back here, we’re not done yet!”

But, having spotted a socially acceptable escape route like a far off oasis in midst of the driest desert, Kakashi very adamantly pretended not to have heard and made his way over to said oasis, aka a group of jonin on the other side of the street.

“Yo!” he greeted jauntily, as though he wasn’t five hours late to anything. “How’s the hangover treating you.”

“Super lovely, Kakashi!” A man chewing on a senbon said sarcastically. “Thanks so much for asking!”

“You really missed out yesterday, Hatake,” added another with a groan that seemed to contradict his words.

Next to the groaning man sat his antithesis, a beaming Gai, whose face had lit up as soon as he caught sight of Kakashi. “Kakashi, my rival!” He jumped enthusiastically and landed on the table closest to him. “How do you do!”

Kakashi smiled his usual pleasant smile and moseyed over to Gai. Next to him, Iruka, who had followed him resignedly, pinched his nose and growled: “I hope you realize, Kakashi-sensei… that I know a diversionary tactic when I see it.”

Kakashi ignored the jab and went to sit next to a ninja who was chewing on a senbon, Shiranui Genma.

“How nice of you to join us,” said the man bemusedly. “Fancy a pint?”

“I don’t drink on the job,” Kakashi sniffed.

“Maybe so,” said Genma. “But you sure get to read the good stuff.”

“Genma!” Kurenai chastised. “Don’t encourage him!”

“Don’t you know a lost case when you see it, Kurenai?” Next to her, Asuma chuckled. “Nice of you to drop by, Kakashi.” He glanced at Iruka. “And uh…”

“Daisuke,” Kakashi supplied helpfully.

Iruka twitched.

“Oi, Kakashi!” Genma interrupted bombastically. “Don’t tell me you made a friend? Has the world come to an end?”

Everyone now stared at Iruka as though he held all the answers of the universe, who coughed. “Uh, well not exactly… I’m actually–“

“Why, yes,” Kakashi interrupted. “Everyone, this is Daisuke. “

“Noooo!” Gai shouted. “Kakashi, tell me it isn’t so!”

“It is so.”

“Aaaah! Daisuke, you have made my eternal rival blossom out of his shell! But I shall fight not to lose to you, Daisuke! Now you are my rival over who gets to be my eternal rival’s eternal rival!”

Iruka blanched.

“Ah, maybe don’t do that,” suggested Kakashi.

“Kakashi, my friend, I see you’re more youthful than ever!”

“Now that would be pushing it–“

“–not to mention, who would’ve thought that my eternal rival was so nurturing!”

“Nurturing,” repeated Iruka drolly. “Right.”

“But of course!” said Gai. “I saw it with these very eyes, which were grazed by the most youthful sight! You see, my eternal rival was consoling a most youthful albeit wilting flower just yesterday! It was a heartfelt display of the nurturing temperament I knew he secretly harbours! Ne?! Kakashi?!”

Kakashi peered up from his book. “No comment.”

“Good one, Gai,” Genma giggled. “The mental image you’ve given me will get me through the hangover.”

“I’m serious, my friends!” Gai interjected. “Indeed, I was so inspired that I ran three laps around the village barefoot! Such was my rival’s youthfulness!”

“He’s joking, of course.” Kakashi amended quickly.

“My rival, I see you’re still clinging to your cool guy persona! But you won’t be fooling the green beast of Konoha!”

“Sure, Gai,” said Genma. “Whatever you say.”

“ _Actually_ …” Asuma drawled. The single word was enough to get everyone to stare at him. “I was there. Saw it with my own damn eyes.”

“You don’t mean it’s true…?” Genma probed warily. “Oh, boy!” He smirked. “Our Kakashi’s going soft!”

“What’s true?” a new voice rejoined. To everyone’s collective almost-heart attacks, it was Morino Ibiki himself who had spoken: the proctor of the first task and also the head of the torture division. Understandably, he made most shinobi twitchy.

“Uh… Ibiki…” said Genma faintly. “What a surprise.”

“Eh, I just felt like enjoying a beautiful day’s stroll through the village.”

“Sure…”

“What a coincidence, Hatake,” Ibiki continued conversationally, turning towards Kakashi.

Kakashi, who had been staring at his book, ever so slowly lifted his head until he was staring right at Ibiki. And kept staring. Without saying anything.

“Ah, don’t be cross now, Hatake, you old dog!” boomed Ibiki. “It’s not _my_ fault your students didn’t pass.”

Everyone stared awkwardly at both Ibiki and Kakashi, the latter of whom still was unblinkingly staring without saying anything.

“Hashirama’s mullet!” Genma whispered to Raido. “That look’s frigging unnerving, even by Kakashi standards.”

Having heard the comment, Ibiki smirked. “You know, Hatake,” he quipped, unbothered, “sometimes I wish I could take a crack at you, just to see if you’d break.”

Kakashi kept staring.

“Now! Don’t say such things to my hip and cool rival!” Gai intervened.

“Ah.” Kakashi agreed quietly. “Wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

“C’mon, Hatake. I only jest.”

“…”

“But you know,” Ibiki continued, leaning against a wall conversationally, “I do have to wonder what you’ve been teaching your students.”

“Teamwork,” said Kakashi with a close-eyed smile. “Surprised?”

“Sorry to disappoint, but the Uchiha using the sharingan to cheat wasn’t very surprising. Blondie was more interesting: he got an offer to cheat and refused it… now that’s a strong moral fiber. I bet the kid would hold out well during torture.”

“Nice,” drawled Kakashi. “Well, if that’s all…”

Ibiki chuckled. “Now, now. I hadn’t even gotten to the good part yet: the girl.”

“You mean Takeira-chan?” Kakashi said.

“I mean Haruno Sakura,” rebutted Ibiki. “You’d do well to learn your students’ names, hm?”

“Ah, Freudian slip.”

“Whatever you say, Hatake. But you know, it’s funny. Haruno Sakura aced her test, and yet I didn’t see her cheat at all. More, she even took an extended nap after the first half hour.”

“Is there a question in there somewhere?”

Ibiki narrowed his eyes and smirked. “I was just curious. How did she cheat?”

Kakashi seemed to ponder the matter, all of the jonin leaning in to hear his answer. “Ma. There’s this jutsu. It’s the astral projection no jutsu… very useful, ne?”

“So that’s why she took a nap!” exclaimed Kotetsu, who had just joined their group. “She wasn’t napping, she was astral projecting!”

Everyone gave Kotetsu a droll stare.

“What, why are you all looking at me like that?”

Everyone simultaneously looked away.

“You know, Hatake?” Ibiki continued undeterred. “That’s what I love about you–”

“So flattering,” said Kakashi, “but I can’t return your feelings–“

“–the way you pull shit out of your ass like it’s nobody’s business–”

There was an awkward pause.

Kakashi coughed. “Hm… isn’t that what toilets are for?”

Kotetsu burst out laughing and was close to tears, while everyone else simply stared in silence. “Oh, god!” he exclaimed, clutching his stomach. “Why am I the only one who thinks this is funny?”

“You get used to it,” sighed Raido.

“Yes, you think you’re so hilarious, don’t you, Hatake?” Ibiki asked.

“Now why would you say that.”

“Hatake,” Ibiki growled. “Enough of this. Be serious: tell me… the way that girl cheated… what is it really?”

Kakashi sighed, closing his book wit finality. Then paused. The jonin could all tell that he meant business this time around and were on the edge of their seat. And he didn’t disappoint. “Don’t tell anyone I told you this,” Kakashi said in a low voice, “but Haruno Sakura is the secret love child of a Hyuga.” He glanced around. “She has a byakugan eye in the nape of her neck.”

“ _What?!_ ”

“In her neck?”

“Your student has eyes on the back of her head?”

Chaos ensued, while Kakashi calmly reopened his book. After a moment, he shrugged. “Stranger things have happened.”

“Well, I think it makes sense!” Kotetsu exclaimed. “I mean, just think about it, guys. The girl has pink hair, doesn’t she? _Pink_. It’s obvious now. The color is a diversion from something else…”

“Underneath the underneath, isn’t it!” Gai cheered enthusiastically. “My rival, then we both have Hyugas on our team! It must be faith!“

But he was interrupted by Ibiki. “That’s enough of that, Hatake.” He smiled. “What’s really going on with Sakura Haruno?”

A sigh. “Alright, fine,” Kakashi ventured finally. “She’s actually a math-crazed twelve-year-old and aced the nine questions in under half an hour using the elementary equations of ballistics.”

Everyone stared at him… in silence. Ibiki’s chuckling was therefore very much audible to everyone present.

“You know, Hatake, your lies get more outrageous by the day.” He smirked. “If you really don’t want to tell us, then fine, you old dog! Keep your secrets.”

“Mou,” pouted Kakashi. “Ye of little faith.”

Finally, when Ibiki had already left, Genma peered round the table and said: “So. The Hyuga have a secret love child, huh?”


End file.
